"Welcome to Wichita!" ... alt. title: "Those aren't pillows!"

So I've been watching "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" last night/this morning. (How can you not at Thanksgiving if you own the DVD and a working DVD player?)

And I have a question for anyone else familiar with the film. For as uncomfortable as the situation was that led Neal Page (Steve Martin) and Del Griffith (John Candy) to start talking macho about the play of the Chicago Bears, how is it that Neal didn't notice that nearly all of the towels in that Wichita motel-room bathroom - including all of the full-sized bath towels - had already been used by Del (implied) before Neal began taking a shower?

For everything leading up to that Chicago Bears moment - "I am sorry. I had no idea those beer cans were going to blow like that." "What did you think was going to happen? You put them on a vibrating bed." - wasn't it a creepier thought that Del would have gone to use the sink and almost all of the towels while the guy sharing his room - a near-total stranger at that point in the story, really - was in the shower?

Thankfully, of course, they both made their way back to Chicago as better people and were welcomed by a family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An even field?

Is the National Football League's AFC still superior to the NFC in both achievement and potential?

For many years running before this season, AFC teams had handily won a majority of the regular-season games they had played against NFC competition. In 2004, the interconference series was so bad for the NFC that both the St. Louis Rams and my Minnesota Vikings snuck into the conference playoffs with 8-8 records. (It was questioned whether they belonged, yet both teams won their first-week wild-card playoff games on the road -- memorably in one of those games, then-Vikings receiver Randy Moss pantomimed, uh, leaving some excrement in an end zone at Lambeau Field.)

Are things changing for the NFC? For weeks this season, we rarely heard anything but Patriots and Colts, Colts and Patriots. Only recently have the Dallas Cowboys snuck ahead to No. 2 in most power polls, ahead of all other teams in the NFL save for the undefeated Patriots, since the Colts fell to New England on Nov. 4 and then to San Diego just one week later.

Through nine games each, the AFC's six playoff teams as they would be right now - Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Chargers, Jaguars, Titans - do have a better combined record (40-14) than those who would be the NFC's playoff teams - Cowboys, Packers, Seahawks, Buccaneers, Lions, Giants (38-16). But add in the records of all other teams from each conference, and see that thus far in 2007, the AFC and NFC have identical records in interconference play. (The year's series was tied up last Sunday in a win for the Chicago Bears over the Oakland Raiders.)

For weeks through the early part of this season, most "experts" were already chalking up the AFC's eventual champion as the Super Bowl winner; now, most are giving it directly to New England - with seven weeks to go in the regular season!!! - without a second thought.

The AFC teams have now won four Super Bowls in a row -- to be honest, NFC teams had won 13 Super Bowls in a row over one stretch, including over all of my years in high school and college -- but for as superior as we've been told that the AFC still is this season, I would love to see the AFC's streak broken this season.

I am a true-blue fan of the Vikings (now 3-6) and have been laughed at in recent weeks whenever I point out that, mathematically, they could still come back to win enough games to reach the playoffs (especially when four of their remaining seven games will come against the Giants, Redskins, Lions and Bears -- oh my!!)

But even if, gulp, the Packers should officially make the playoffs and end up representing the NFC in the Super Bowl, I would love to see the Pack wallop the Patriots, if that were to end up being the championship match-up.

We've still got many weeks including the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays to go before the conference playoffs will arrive this year, but I just hope that the Vikings will keep the NFC competitive vs. the AFC by winning at home tomorrow over the Raiders. (It will be, incidentally, the first Vikings game I'll have attended in roughly two years. Look for me in an end zone -- I plan to be wearing a blue hoodie KFAN Radio sweatshirt.)

Man, that's cold, Jay ...

I saw a TV news clip today "assuring" viewers that the in-force TV writer's strike will not affect "reality" programming.

Yes, and the longer the strike continues, we may forever lose sitcoms and hour-long crime dramas as we ever knew them in favor of nothing but reality TV through all prime-time hours.

Oh, we'll still have the late-night talk shows, but not all of the recent working writers could be expected to cut it in late night. The likes of Kevin Eubanks are pretty discerning as to what they'll laugh at.

"Miss Hoover, which one is one?"

Am I smarter than a fifth-grader? Assuredly no smarter than the fifth-graders on the FOX prime-time game show bearing a similar name.

Where do they get those kids? They don't take a random sample from any school; there are no Ralph Wiggums in the bunch.

The other night, on "Celebrity Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader," Regis Philbin didn't know what the "ordinal" of the number 10 was, nor could he identify Robert Frost as the poet who had penned a certain verse (something about a road less traveled). Regis needed the help of one or two of the "average" fifth-graders in the bunch to get those questions right in order to raise more $ for his favorite charity.

I would have needed their help, too. Of course many adults don't have brain vaults like the likely-to-be-alienated-for-their-super-intelligence kids on that show do.

My Goddaughter is a fifth-grader and is very bright, many rungs higher than the Ralph Wiggums of the world, but I doubt she can tell you without hesitation about the ordinals of numbers and/or the work of Robert Frost.

That show is nothing if not misrepresentative.

Newly tolerable!

Spotted at a local Wendy's last night:

The restaurant was promoting its Ultimate Chicken Grill sandwich as being "Now Tastier."

Why? Because there wasn't enough room on the sign for "Not As Bad As You Remember."

Can you tell me how to get ...

... to a World Series by winning 21 of 22 games (albeit against NL competition), and then lose three straight to open the Fall Classic?

That's what the Colorado Rockies have done. Their overpowering opponents the Boston Red Sox, of course, pulled a 4-3 ALCS victory out of somewhere themselves after being down 3 games to zero to the Yankees not that many years ago. But as incredible as that seemed, I think I'd be even more stunned for the Rockies to do that to the BoSox this time around.

Oh, well, if nothing else, during game one of this World Series after the Sox had already scored 12 runs en route to a 13-1 win, FOX used a very familiar ditty to accompany a graphic detailing the Red Sox's offensive success. Anybody else catch that?

"One two three FOUR five (brief pause) six seven eight NINE ten, eleven twelve*.
Repeated, in a slightly higher key:
"One two three FOUR five (brief pause) six seven eight NINE ten, eleven twelve*."

* Always in kind of an off-puttingly seductive tone, didn't you think?

If Boston did find a way to collapse through the rest of this series, maybe late in Game 7, FOX could arm a clumsy chef with two stacks of Boston cream pies at the top of a flight of stairs.

Or (and it's a big stretch that this Series could even get back to Fenway Park), maybe a certain trash-can resident (oh no, a cheap and obvious joke) could go to Fenway to see another Green Monster.

And the Whoop-de-doo goes to ...

On tonight's new episode of "The Simpsons," school bully Jimbo Jones notes - before a school ceremony is held to recognize Lisa as "Student of the Millennium" - that the award-show season keeps starting earlier and earlier.

I couldn't agree more. But still, one dream of mine would be to create and add my own award show to the mix - "The Faint Praise Awards." The statuette would be known as a Whoop-de-doo.

Categories would cover a wide spectrum of subjects. Any given year, categories could include "Best Film Ever Made that starred Pauly Shore," "Most Appealing Side Dish at a KFC Buffet," or "Least Inebriated Green Bay Packer Season-Ticket Holder."

I certainly need some more categories to make for a three-hour show; however, I'm also hoping to get Billy Crystal (or maybe at least a guy named Billy from Crystal, Minn.) to do an opening musical number.

Hold the ice

At a McDonald's yesterday, I saw a sign hanging above the soda dispenser to advise patrons that the restaurant does not allow guests to bring in paper cups from a previous McDonald's visit for more free refills. What tyrants!

But someone had to have done it once, or twice, or a million times, or else the sign wouldn't be there. For whomever might do something like that, I don't want to know them. 1) They're clearly too tight with their finances to be any fun for a day or night on the town, and 2) It'd all just be too gross and disgusting. What's next? Would they start re-using paper napkins that they'd soiled during a previous meal?

How did they get tickets?

The 2007 playoffs for Major League Baseball begin today.

The FOX network won't begin its coverage until the start of the American League Championship Series Friday, Oct. 12, but I'm already beginning to wonder which celebrities we might see in the stands from FOX's regular prime-time lineup. Certain celebrities from the FOX lineup, oftentimes from the network's newest fall shows, always seem to land tickets for the playoff games (maybe they're the only ones who can afford the scalpers' prices?) and the FOX cameras, God bless 'em, always seem to be able to find those celebs to show their faces on TV even though there might be close to 60,000 fans at a game. And the FOX baseball play-by-play announcer always takes those opportunities to not only note the names of those celebrities, but also talk about their FOX shows. Amazing!

So whom could we expect to see in the stands at Fenway Park, Jacobs Field or Yankee Stadium later this month? Maybe Brad Garrett (I think his post-"Raymond" show is actually entering its second season) or his former co-star Patricia Heaton (aka Debra Barone) who is in a new show with Kelsey Grammer (now if he happens to land tickets for a game at Fenway Park, you'd have to figure he'd be stopping by a certain bar either pre-game or post-game). And aren't Wayne Brady and Jeff FOX-worthy both on the network now? Then again, maybe Foxworthy would refuse to be shown on camera this postseason, with his home state's Braves out of the field?

Somehow, somewhere, one or more of the aforementioned celebs should be expected to be shown on camera during a FOX baseball telecast this October. Least likely to be seen? Well, I have too much respect for John Walsh to think he'd stoop to that kind of promotion. But what about others who have appeared on FOX's Saturday night lineup?

Like maybe some drunk drivers or prostitutes who have recently been busted on "Cops," maybe sitting at a game, handcuffed to their seats? We'll have to wait and see.

We may have gotten what we paid for ...

... but, at least we stayed until the end.

My brother and I spent our Labor Day afternoon at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, watching the division-leading Cleveland Indians continue their winning streak against the Twins. (Our tickets were free.)

There were no big blowout innings for the Indians' offense in Cleveland's 5-0 win; the visitors scored one run in each of the first three innings plus one more each in the fifth and seventh innings. It was fine not to have to witness any three-run homers by the Indians' Travis Hafner or Victor Martinez; still, the totals left us feeling deflated as much as if Cleveland had scored all of its runs at once.

True-blue, diehard fans that we are, we stayed until the end (which was capped by a strikeout for Twins DH - why? - Rondell White). We knew that many other attendees would leave in advance, the way that things were going, so we weren't worried about overcrowded hallways at the end.

But the crazy thing about many of the fans leaving early was this: You gotta figure that most of them had been pulling for the Twins today. Yet, some left in the middle of the eighth (after the Twins defense held Cleveland scoreless for a half-inning) and others left in the middle of the ninth (another fruitless inning for Cleveland's offense). The Twins defense had not gone as long as two consecutive innings of allowing the Indians scoreless until the eighth and ninth stanzas.

Now, if the Indians had added to their total in either the eighth or the ninth, I could have understood Twins fans leaving the stadium before their team came back to bat. But why wouldn't those fans be fair and stick around to see the Twins take their "fair ups," especially when the Twins defense had managed to hold the Indians scoreless in those particular innings?

Don't get me wrong. Plenty of fans were leaving after seven full innings (when Cleveland had reached what would be its full run total of 5) and many more left after eight full innings. But for Twins fans to be leaving in the middle of the eighth or ninth? It just seemed odd.

I am ready for some football

I am officially ready for the '08 NFL season to begin, and it has to do with an episode of "That '70s Show" I saw last night.

Barry Williams and Chris Knight, who played brothers in a famous '70s sitcom, appeared as characters on "That '70s Show" who were domestic partners and new acquaintances of the Foremans, the show's central family (for those who don't know much about the series).

Anyway, patriarch Red Foreman is a very conservative guy. After the domestic partners enter his Wisconsin living room and sit down on a couch to watch a game between the Packers and the Vikings, Red kicks the other men out of his house. Not for their open homosexuality, but for their openness about being Minnesota-born Vikings fans. I always enjoyed that series as a whole, but that was a classic moment that I hadn't before seen.

D*&# Yankees!

My favorite team, the Twins, lost to the Angels last night.

They lost no ground to either the Tigers or Indians, for both of those teams were defeated Friday as well.

I would have preferred to see the division-leading Indians win. I don't care which team is playing the New York Yankees on any given night, I want to see - night after night - the Yankees' opponent (Cleveland all weekend) beat the Bronx Bombers.

The Indians could win twice today and tomorrow over New York, and the Twins could drop two more to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Calif. (USA), and I would be reasonably content about the baseball world heading into Monday.

I may not sound like the best Twins fan, wanting to see the Indians win the rest of their games this weekend. But if the Twins end this regular season out of the playoffs as they would be right now, they might look back to when they dropped 2 of 3 to the Royals earlier this week (combining to score a mighty 1 run in those two losses) or when the Twins dropped three straight to the Tigers in a mid-week series at the Metrodome earlier this summer (each of those losses by 1 run). As for the Tigers, if they should finish the season looking up at the Indians, the Tigers might look back to this week and ask themselves why they dropped two of three to the major-leagues-worst Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

I'm both a Twins and Indians fan this weekend. Any day of the season, I'll say "Go Twins!" first and "Go Yankee opponents!" second.

Back off!

You know what I really hate? When you'll be backing out of a space in a parking lot somewhere, and another driver comes zipping through the lot and stops basically at your bumper in waiting for you to complete backing up and move on.

Why can't they find an ounce of compassion in themselves and respect your comfort zone?

I've never really believed in casual, shall we say, interaction between two vehicles in a parking lot, but criminy, why do so many other motorists continue to insist on getting "friendly" with your car without even buying it dinner or a full tank of gas first?

Back off!

Let's get on with our lives

I just saw Barry Bonds hit his #756.

Maybe ESPN will finally get back to showing games involving TEAMS that are succeeding this year.

Yes, I have no more bananas

I bought four bananas for $1 at a SuperAmerica this morning.

I have since eaten all of them.

Certainly, that satisfied my potassium needs for today.

Has Pennsylvania seceded?

Celebrating a friend's birthday last night with some karaoke entertainment at a local bar, I won a free drink late in the proceedings by knowing that Strawberry Alarm Clock was the name of the group that had recorded the 1960s hit "Incense and Peppermints."
According to the coupon handed to me by the karaoke host, I could redeem it for a domestic bottle of beer, a rail drink, or a 16 oz. tap. I went to the bar and asked for a Rolling Rock.
The bartender advised me that it wasn't domestic.
I returned to my table with a bottle of Miller Lite, which was a fair 2nd choice, but I had to ask the other people at my table whether Pennsylvania had seceded from the Union without my knowledge (Rolling Rock having gotten its start in Latrobe, Pa.).
I figured that maybe it was a commonwealth issue, which if I'm not mistaken, would have also precluded me from redeeming my free drink coupon for anything brewed in Virginia.
Later, the bartender admitted that it was simply a cost issue (Rolling Rock being priced higher for the bar than other domestic labels).
For the record, I began singing before 9 p.m., and didn't stop until after midnight. There were very few other singers in the regular rotation, so I took the mike 8 times - in order - "Ants Marching," Dave Matthews Band; "One Thing Leads to Another," The Fixx; "The Impression That I Get," Mighty Mighty Bosstones; "You'll Accompany Me," Bob Seger; "Moondance," Van Morrison; "10th Avenue Freezeout," Bruce Springsteen; "Lady (You Bring Me Up)," the Commodores (w/ Lionel Richie); "And She Was," Talking Heads.
"You'll Accompany Me" and "10th Avenue Freezeout" I was trying for the first time.
I've got some Dos Equis Amber in the fridge at home right now; now I know that's not domestic.

Bowfinger's better

Perhaps not since "Ishtar" has a six-letter, one-word movie title been the butt of so many late-night TV jokes as "Norbit," the early 2007 release starring Eddie Murphy in multiple roles. Late last winter, it seemed like "Norbit" had gotten mention in David Letterman's Top Ten night after night for weeks.
There is much LCD (lowest common denominator) humor in this film, for sure. Eddie Murphy, as "Norbit," is married to a woman, Rasputia (also Murphy), whom is guessed by one water-park worker to weigh more than 300 pounds. Rasputia counters that she doesn't weigh an ounce over 175.
For the record, I think the water-park worker's guess is closer.
Whereas, Norbit appears as though he may not even be breaking 150.
The humor is predictable. What might happen, at a playground, if Norbit were to push his twice-his-size bride forward on a swingset? Will he get out of the way in time?
And, really, we understand that Rasputia is a heavy woman after seeing her run over Norbit during holiday-themed* marital relations and breaking the bed twice. *He wears a Santa beard at one point.
Did we need to see the same scene four or five times, set at different times of the year (including on Lincoln's Birthday, apparently, when Norbit is shown wearing a different beard)?
Will this win an Oscar? It would have as much chance at that as you might have at seeing puppy-dog-like Cuba Gooding, Jr., play a deceitful villain.
Oh, wait - we've got that in "Norbit."
As much as you won't want to spend too much time looking at Rasputia in a two-piece swimsuit, or a rear view (upper half only) as she prepares for a bubble bath, "Norbit" may well pick up at least a nomination for Best Makeup when the next Academy Awards roll around.
When I rented the DVD this week, I didn't have the time to watch the disc's feature on the makeup process that was involved. It could actually be worth another rental.

Life can be a drip

Some shirts you can wear more than once before washing.

Other shirts, not so much.
Especially if you're wearing one of those shirts while eating ice cream or frozen custard.

From a waffle cone. While you're seated at your steering wheel.

It's a ruff game

If suspended Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick should play another game in the NFL, I think it should be for the Cleveland Browns.

Their home games come complete with a Dawg Pound in the stands.

Just 102 days 'til Halloween

Tonight I attended a community parade that began in one of the 50 United States and ended in another.
In tonight's Wannigan Days parade, which moved from St. Croix Falls, Wis., across the St. Croix River to Taylors Falls, Minn., I saw a business entry with a sign advertising not custom woodworking but rather, "costum" woodworking.
I suppose that it's such a woodworking shop you'd want to call when you'd like to attend a Halloween party dressed as a tree, a bookshelf, or maybe a cedar chest.
Place your orders now!
Seriously, I literally took a picture of the sign (you know, so that it might last longer).

Cranked up

A local video store runs a 99-cent special on all titles every Thursday.
Yesterday, I walked out with a widescreen copy of the 2006 summer actioner "Crank," co-starring a 31-year-old actress Amy Smart ("Varsity Blues," "Rat Race," the NBC miniseries "The '70s"), which is really the main reason why I rented "Crank."
But it offered a really interesting DVD feature, one that I'd never before seen on a disc I've had in my player. This special feature allowed you to change all F-bombs you'd hear in the regular version to "frickin'" or another variation.
This, a movie where the main character knocks over an IV stand that's in use while he's running down a hospital corridor. This, a movie where the same main character holds a gun to the head of a nurse for quite a while on the same hospital visit.
This, a movie where our main character assaults a convenience-store clerk (yanking the clerk front-first over a counter) before robbing cans and cans of energy drink from a store cooler.
This, a movie where our main character hijacks a police officer's motorcycle.
This, a movie where our main character snaps another character's neck ... and, a movie where our main character shoots an enemy in the corner of an alley, splattering blood over the face of one of our main character's friends who was being threatened by the enemy. And let's not forget the severed hand.
This, a movie where our main character fornicates with his girlfriend in the middle of a Chinatown public square (to the horror of some witnesses, and the humor of others).
And this, a movie where our main character drives through floor-to-ceiling glass windows in a shopping mall, leading police in a chase past clothing stores before our main character's car turns up on its side straight onto an upward escalator. (It was, to use a vulgar but relevant term, flippin' awesome to see that car ride the escalator on its side.)
Would anyone who would be encouraged to watch this film on the condition that they could remove all F-bombs from the script really want to see theft, robbery, public sex, terroristic threats and murder in the movie? (Believe it or not, the main character engaged in most of that to save his own life. It's a complicated tale.)
For what it was, I'd recommend "Crank." But if you couldn't handle the F-bombs, you couldn't handle this movie.
The disc's dialogue option was a waste of space.

Fifteen for two

I learned how to play cribbage a few years ago, and usually take my board out for a game or two a couple of times each month.
Playing cribbage well certainly takes skill and understanding of the rules, but you also need the right cards. My usual cribbage opponent is either my father or my brother, who both understand the rules of the game. When we play two games, it's rare when one of us will win both.
That's why I was so surprised last Saturday to win five straight games in a cribbage tournament that was held in conjunction with a local town festival in my Minnesota county. After paying a $10 entry fee (as did some 25 other cribbage players into a pool), my winning streak earned me a first-prize cut equalling more than $110. (I'm awaiting the check this week.)
My first of five games was the closest on Saturday, when my opponent reached the 120-point mark (or the "stink hole") after counting his points for a hand only to see me sneak past him for that magical 121st point from my hand without even needing to check the cards in the "crib."
Man, did he think he was hot stuff, as though there would be no way he could lose in the first round.
It was my most satisfying win of the day.
I was dealt some great hands in later games; I remember trying to let my poker face conceal my glee when I was dealt three 10's and a 5 at one point. The card that was cut for the deck in that hand was another 5. Read the rules, and you'll know that was a blessing.
In a couple of my games on Saturday, I led my opponent by more than 20 points at the end, even "skunking" my opponent in one of the wins (meaning that opponent had not gotten past 90 points before I reached 121).
Except for my first opponent Saturday (the guy that seemed to act like everyone else there was beneath him in ability), I struck up good, cordial conversations with each of the others. Cribbage is a friendly game, and should be treated as such. And it can be a great game to teach to children (dare I say better than Texas Hold 'Em?) to build and reinforce counting skills.
My only regret? That I'll have to make a point of registering for the same cribbage tournament in 2008. But I'll enjoy being there.
What will happen with my weekend windfall? Well, my brother was one of the 25 other competitors Saturday in the double-elimination tournament. He won his first game, but lost the next two to send him home early. Before the tournament, he and I had talked about wanting to catch "The Simpsons Movie" together on opening weekend (July 27-29). After telling him that I'd won the tournament, I promised that the movie and a dinner on Saturday the 28th would be my treat.
I'm looking forward to it.